this is the beginning
by scream into the silence
Summary: Lily Potter, on boys, love, and heartbreak. Victoire/Teddy/Lily/Lysander/Molly/Scorpius. Eventual implied LilyLysander.


You don't know when you realize that it's all been an act.

All those screams and taunts and fights that have pissed you off so were all an act.

(And imagine how you feel?)

He was always there – lurking in the shadows. He watched you as you fell in, and out, and in, and out of love with _him_: the one who'd never love you back, the one who screwed himself up as badly as you.

Why did he never say it?

"You need anger management, Lily," "You need to calm down, Lily," "You hit awfully hard, Lily,"

And you never saw that twinkle in his eyes; or that tiny smile as he said that. You just hit him – again and again – and he never complained.

* * *

><p>The first time you realize there might be more to him is when he gets made Head Boy.<p>

You're painting the town red – or painting the dungeons yellow – and he appears out of nowhere.

"Lily Luna Potter," he drawls, in that impossibly snarky tone of his. "Exploding in the _most _unfavourable place, aren't you?"

You just shrug and flip him off (as usual).

Until he drags you off (Merlin, he's tall) and deposits you in Professor Stiger's office.

You end up with a week's worth of detentions (he has to dispense them, being _Head Boy _and all).

In the evening, you drag yourself to the trophy room, going as slowly as possible.

When you reach (half an hour late) you find him and Lorcan and Lucy all licking ice-creams and a large box of chocolates in front of them.

"Shame, Potter," he says dryly. "And to think you could've had some. Now get to work."

He hands you the rag to clean the trophies. As he does so, he whispers in your ear, "Come early tomorrow and you _might _get some."

(You just grin back.)

* * *

><p>The second time is at one of those awfully corny Muggle movies (the ones full of pink and flowers and kisses and the like shit). The whole family's been dragged along (because it's <em>Victoire's <em>choice; and really, who disagrees with Victoire ever?).

You see Vic and Teddy right in front of you, and you want to scream your lungs out or cry till your eyes dry up. This is _your _Teddy; your best friend, your confidante, your everything. And it's so bloody hard to watch him like this. So you run to the washroom, and Lysander follows you.

Nobody sees you; good, you don't want them to. But as you're walking along the corridor, you hear footsteps behind you, and a voice saying "Lils?"

You turn to him and bury your face in his shirt.

(You remain there all night.)

* * *

><p>After some years, Teddy comes to seek you out.<p>

(You've learnt to live without him by now.)

He pours out a long apology which you don't hear a single word of.

(You don't want to hear it anyway.)

But everyone expects it of you now; and so, you smile and say yes to his proposal.

(No one will ever know that your heart beats for someone else.)

At the wedding, he kisses you for the first time.

(You should have been over the moon, ecstatic; but you feel nothing.)

You see Vic in the corner, crying; you feel awfully guilty.

(Because you made Teddy break her heart for nothing.)

Everyone thinks you're in love with this man who has (currently) lemon yellow hair and red eyes, and who's eleven years older to you.

(But you're actually in love with someone who believes in Nargles, who can see Thestrals and whose names rhyme.)

Then you see him, in the corner, smiling tightly, his arm around Molly.

So you let go of him. Or try to, anyway.

* * *

><p>It soon becomes clear to you and Teddy that there is no love in your marriage.<p>

The same monotonous routine is followed; you wake up, he wakes up. You go to work, so does he. You return before him and do the housework. You sleep on opposite sides of the bed.

He starts coming home later than usual. You're surprised to find that you honestly don't care. Let him go to Vic; you don't care about him, do you?

The - tenth? Millionth? time he does so – about three hours late! – you finally confront him.

"Teddy," you say tiredly. "Where the heck have you been?"

And the same reply, "Shell Cottage."

Every day, he gives you the same reply and trudges up to his room.

(And you sit there with a bottle of Firewhisky, and it burns and blisters your throat; isn't it just a perfect mirror to how your heart's feeling?)

* * *

><p>Finally, he makes the first move – and you're so bloody <em>relieved<em>.

"Sorry, Lily," he says. "I'm sorry; I can't do this anymore. Let me go."

You're so relieved; finally – finally you're free.

"Alright," you say. No pain, no regrets. "I'll miss you." Truth. "I still love you, and I'll be there for you." Lie.

* * *

><p>You go to live with Al and Eliza. For being Slytherins, you discover, they're surprisingly helpful. Eli's changed a lot from the snob she was in school.<p>

But you refuse to open up to them. Your parents come to talk to you; you pretend to be asleep. James and Jane come; you're cold with them. Teddy and Vic themselves come. But you scream at them and tell them to piss off.

After about six months of this robotic existence, Lucy comes to visit you. She's always, always been your best friend. You two are so similar it hurts. Red hair, blue eyes, five feet zero, and oh yeah, both of you have had your heart broken by Scamander boys.

That day, you finally break down. You cry and cry, and cry, till your eyes are dry. Lucy just strokes your hair and tells you everything will be fine. And you think, _heck, it might be._ And you laugh maniacally.

She and Adam visit you daily after that.

* * *

><p>On your birthday – what a perfect day – Lucy arrives carrying two things with her. A cake, baked by Grandma Molly, and a startling piece of news.<p>

"Molly and Lysander divorced," she tells you.

And inside, your heart's screaming _yes, yes, yes _but you look concerned and ask her what's wrong.

"Scorpius… he's what's wrong," she tells you solemnly.

Even you're too startled for words then. Molly and Scorpius? That is just wrong, you think. But then again, he always had quite the reputation as a player. Poor Dominique.

You take a bite of the cake, and Lucy tells you one more thing.

"You can't hide anymore, Lily. He's coming to see you."

* * *

><p>That very evening, Al and Eli are out at the Ministry working night shifts, and <em>he <em>comes in.

"Get out," you tell him, low and dangerous.

"I won't," he says stubbornly.

"Get out, Lysander Marius Scamander, _get the hell out_!" you scream, tearing bedsheets and pillows and sending feathers flying everywhere. "I am never going to talk to you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate -"

You're cut off by his lips rushing to met yours and you're lost and you can't breathe –

But as soon as they come off, you begin to talk again.

"Get out," you tell him fairly calmly. But tears trickle out, and you try your very best to wipe them away. "I want… nothing… to do with you."

So he goes.

(And so life goes on.)

* * *

><p>You vow to stay a spinster forever. You even ask Uncle Ron if he knows any nunneries (fairly, he should, he's always threatening to send Rose to one, but now Lorcan's got her heart and he's absolutely fine with that). He doesn't reply to you.<p>

Until – you're almost _twenty-five _and everyone's_ begging _you to find someone.

Your eyes catch his, sitting forlorn and withered, just like you, and you share a tiny smile.

(This is the beginning.)


End file.
